The Western Lands and All That Really Matters

Welcome to a world of weak magic, equality between species, stupidly long names, and way töö mänÿ ümläüts. The Western Lands and All That Really Matters is a fun, award-winning, humorous fantasy series from Andrew Einspruch.

The Wombanditos

Prequel Novella


They’re absconding for a day. But when trouble pursues this monarch-in-waiting, can they make a crafty escape and survive?


Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III rarely gets a moment to breathe. So when her old friend suggests they steal away to an autumnal festival, the sixteen-year-old sneakily hitches a ride from Court with him so they can spend time together. But while bored waiting for a return carriage and sampling some delicious berries, they’re ambushed by a gang of vicious wombats… leaving the young royal unconscious.


Waking to find herself bound and gagged in a dirty burrow has Eloise squirming in repulsive discomfort. And even after her buddy rushes in to rescue her, it’ll take some smooth-talking and quick thinking if they’re both going to make it out alive.


Can the queen-to-be convince the near-blind band to set them free before they’re permanently burrowed?


The Wombanditos is a standalone prequel to The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like snappy dialogue, lively side stories, and avoiding violence with wit, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s wild adventure.

The Star of Whatever

Book Two


No one returns when they fall into the fog. Can she break its lethal haze and return to save her friend from death row?


For some reason, Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III doesn’t seem to be dead. Having rescued her fraternal twin sister from a terrible fate, she’s keen to discover why the killer Purple Haze didn’t turn them both into corpses. But when she persuades her sibling to venture deeper into the dangerous mist, she’s stunned to uncover the true cause of the skeleton-littered land.


With familial clues leading back to the casting of the two-centuries-old treacherous spell, Eloise is determined to use her bloodline to destroy the evil trap. But with an old friend awaiting execution by fogging, she’ll need more than her weak magic to defeat a power-hungry puppet master pulling strings from the shadows.


Can the young royal neutralize the devastating hex before her friends join the never-ending pile of bones?


The Star of Whatever is the wildly adventurous second book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like clever characters, subversive jokes, and spectacular exploits, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s vibrant step beyond the veil.


Buy The Star of Whatever to unleash an age-old power today!

The Thorning Ceremony

Prequel Novel


A painfully self-inflicted marking of two sisters’ coming of age. But will this barbaric rite of passage cost her the throne?


Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III is terrified to learn a horrifying custom is actually a royally required ceremony. About to turn fourteen, she and her younger-by-minutes twin will be forced to endure the pain of piercing their skin countless times in the realm’s thorniest ritual. Worse still, they’ll both have to suffer the stern Thorning Master and submit to her reputed onerous tasks in order to carry out the bloody act.


Forced to be seen and not heard in the name of discipline, Eloise and her sister are united in their silent loathing of the fierce woman. But while the young royal struggles to keep her mouth shut, get over her fear of being a literal pincushion, and impress their imperious teacher, her scheming sibling plots to be the first to win the crown…


Can Eloise suppress her squeamishness and survive the cruel deed without ceding her future?


The Thorning Ceremony is a standalone prequel set three years before the first book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like quirky characters, fascinating setups, and faint-inducing rituals, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s clash of ambitions.


Buy The Thorning Ceremony to defy torture today!

The Purple Haze

Book One

Her twin abducted. A treacherous rescue mission. Can an unproven princess escape a prophecy of doom?

Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III prefers things just exactly so. As the meticulous Future Ruler and Heir with an almost-useless magical gift, she’s in no hurry to take the throne. But when a seer foretells her royal twin’s peril, a simple quest with her champion friend to rescue the girl becomes a complicated journey filled with danger.

Thrown completely out of her comfort zone and with her wayward sister slipping through her fingers, Eloise’s desperate hunt turns to disaster when she’s slammed behind bars in an unfamiliar realm. And even though she persuades the stern monarch to set them free and help them secure a ship, she soon finds herself sailing headfirst into a menacing violet fog.

Can Eloise find her sister and her own strength before they fall to the deadly mist’s lethal embrace?

The Purple Haze is the sharp-witted first book in the Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like tongue-in-cheek humor, vivid medieval worlds, and clever cultural references, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s lively adventure.

Buy The Purple Haze to smoke out the real villain today!

The Light Bearer

Book Three


This clown must face the penalty for his murderous treason. Except he always seems to be two giant steps ahead of them…


Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III can’t wait to hand her prisoner off to face justice. With the deviously false king safely bound and gagged, the queen-in-waiting longs to be rid of him and let her mother deliver righteous judgment. But when the scheming jester uses his magic to escape and kidnaps her best friend, he nearly sends Eloise to a soggy grave at the bottom of a waterfall.


Barely surviving the chaos and vowing to rescue her companion, Eloise and her remaining party trek through unfamiliar territory on the hunt for any clue to the conniving criminal’s whereabouts. But when they’re captured by a society of warrior horses, Eloise discovers the trail has gone cold… and the scoundrel could be circling back for revenge.


Can she bring the fool to his fate and stop him from seizing control of the entire realm?


The Light Bearer is the wickedly witty third book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like endearing casts, dastardly villains, and pun-filled wordplay, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s ripping yarn.


Buy The Light Bearer to plunge into an action-packed destiny today!