The Western Lands and All That Really Matters

Welcome to a world of weak magic, equality between species, stupidly long names, and way töö mänÿ ümläüts. The Western Lands and All That Really Matters is a fun, award-winning, humorous fantasy series from Andrew Einspruch.

The Purple Haze

Book One

A kidnapped twin sister. A cross-realm rescue mission. Weak and oddly-specific magic. Will an untested princess defy her doomed destiny?

Princess Eloise’s life has become dominated by the demands of the Court. The meticulous habits that got her through her days are no match for the disgusting rituals and creepy prophecies dictating her destiny. And the harder she tries to control her path to Future Ruler and Heir, the more she mucks things up.

But when her wayward twin sister disappears, Eloise steps way out of her comfort zone to get her back.

What she thought would be a quick rescue turns into a whirlwind of realm-crossing chaos fraught with imprisonment, embarrassment, and peril. Yet all of that pales in comparison to the shock she finds when she reaches her destination and nothing, including her sister, is what it seems.

Can Eloise discover her inner strength in time to protect her family?

The Purple Haze is the witty first instalment of the Western Lands and All That Really Matters epic fantasy series. If you like clever banter, vibrant medieval realms, and sly pop culture nods, you’ll be enchanted by Andrew Einspruch’s rollicking adventure.

Buy The Purple Haze and dive into this fun, fresh fantasy series.

The Light Bearer

Book Three


This clown must face the penalty for his murderous treason. Except he always seems to be two giant steps ahead of them…


Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III can’t wait to hand her prisoner off to face justice. With the deviously false king safely bound and gagged, the queen-in-waiting longs to be rid of him and let her mother deliver righteous judgment. But when the scheming jester uses his magic to escape and kidnaps her best friend, he nearly sends Eloise to a soggy grave at the bottom of a waterfall.


Barely surviving the chaos and vowing to rescue her companion, Eloise and her remaining party trek through unfamiliar territory on the hunt for any clue to the conniving criminal’s whereabouts. But when they’re captured by a society of warrior horses, Eloise discovers the trail has gone cold… and the scoundrel could be circling back for revenge.


Can she bring the fool to his fate and stop him from seizing control of the entire realm?


The Light Bearer is the wickedly witty third book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like endearing casts, dastardly villains, and pun-filled wordplay, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s ripping yarn.


Buy The Light Bearer to plunge into an action-packed destiny today!

The Eastie Threat

Book Five


She’s settling into the throne. But how can she wage war with a military that only knows how to parade? 

Queen Eloise Hydra Gumball III’s senses are a tad dented. Suffering from a blurry eye and a buzzing in her ear from her recent use of magic, the freshly ascended monarch is still struggling to figure out how best to reign. So when her eastern enemies seize part of her territory, the overwhelmed royal is distraught to discover that, after decades of peace, her army doesn’t know how to fight.

With invaders having annexed the land by moving the wall between realms, Queen Eloise sets about recruiting experienced champions to whip her soldiers into shape. But with funds tight and her council of advisors losing faith, the beleaguered ruler fears the only solution may be to parlay with the conquerors.

Can Queen Eloise navigate a political nightmare to preserve the queendom?

The Eastie Threat is the dastardly droll fifth book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like characters seriously out of their depth, bizarre magic, and perfectly pointed prose, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s regally rich caper.


Buy The Eastie Threat to plunge into an action-packed destiny today!

The Wombanditos

Prequel Novella


They’re absconding for a day. But when trouble pursues this monarch-in-waiting, can they make a crafty escape and survive?


Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III rarely gets a moment to breathe. So when her old friend suggests they steal away to an autumnal festival, the sixteen-year-old sneakily hitches a ride from Court with him so they can spend time together. But while bored waiting for a return carriage and sampling some delicious berries, they’re ambushed by a gang of vicious wombats… leaving the young royal unconscious.


Waking to find herself bound and gagged in a dirty burrow has Eloise squirming in repulsive discomfort. And even after her buddy rushes in to rescue her, it’ll take some smooth-talking and quick thinking if they’re both going to make it out alive.


Can the queen-to-be convince the near-blind band to set them free before they’re permanently burrowed?


The Wombanditos is a standalone prequel to The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like snappy dialogue, lively side stories, and avoiding violence with wit, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s wild adventure.

The Star of Whatever

Book Two


No one returns when they fall into the fog. Can she break its lethal haze and return to save her friend from death row?


For some reason, Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III doesn’t seem to be dead. Having rescued her fraternal twin sister from a terrible fate, she’s keen to discover why the killer Purple Haze didn’t turn them both into corpses. But when she persuades her sibling to venture deeper into the dangerous mist, she’s stunned to uncover the true cause of the skeleton-littered land.


With familial clues leading back to the casting of the two-centuries-old treacherous spell, Eloise is determined to use her bloodline to destroy the evil trap. But with an old friend awaiting execution by fogging, she’ll need more than her weak magic to defeat a power-hungry puppet master pulling strings from the shadows.


Can the young royal neutralize the devastating hex before her friends join the never-ending pile of bones?


The Star of Whatever is the wildly adventurous second book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like clever characters, subversive jokes, and spectacular exploits, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s vibrant step beyond the veil.


Buy The Star of Whatever to unleash an age-old power today!

The Crown Plonked Queen

Book Four


She royally mucked up her first moments as ruler. Can she pick up the pieces before it’s off with her head?


Eloise Hydra Gumball III is absolutely swamped. Rather abruptly crowned queen after her mother’s assassination, she has no concept of running a realm and no leads on her mom’s killer. Woefully tackling new obligations, her initial attempts at anything regal result in an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction and a broken wrist.

Fending for herself after her sister and father depart, she struggles with an unending pile of paperwork and a slow murder investigation that only leads to clashes over her unqueenly behavior. And unsure who to trust, she hires a bird spy to gather intel from a faraway land… which doesn’t exactly end well.

Will Queen Gumball’s inauspicious reign be cut short by tragedy and terror?

The Crown Plonked Queen is the whimsy-rich fourth book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like lovable characters, hilarious larks, and anthropomorphic awesomeness, then you’ll adore Andrew Einspruch’s ascent to the throne.


Buy The Crown Plonked Queen to plunge into an action-packed destiny today!

The Magic of Last Resort

Book Six


The only thing trembling before her troops is her sense of confidence. Can this frazzled ruler rally her forces and halt a dangerous invasion?


Queen Eloise Hydra Gumball III would kill for a vacation. But with her attempt to negotiate peace in shambles, the ever-hopeful young woman pours herself into mastering the mysterious power she carries tied to her hip. Desperate for insights, the inexperienced monarch sends her best friend off for research while she scrabbles to stay one step ahead of utter disaster.

After she learns she’s wielded the mystical artifact in undiscovered ways, Eloise dodges malicious gossip and a plummeting reputation to beg her fellow leaders to attend a last-ditch meeting. But when her aggressive enemy demands a miracle, the beleaguered royal worries her entire realm is about to end up on the chopping block.

Can she patch together a brilliant solution before it all goes cattywampus?

The Magic of Last Resort is the marvelously madcap sixth and final book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like riotously resourceful heroines, epic levels of eccentricity, and puns with a powerful punch, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s clever conclusion.


Buy The Magic of Last Resort to plunge into an action-packed destiny today!

The Thorning Ceremony

Prequel Novel


A painfully self-inflicted marking of two sisters’ coming of age. But will this barbaric rite of passage cost her the throne?


Princess Eloise Hydra Gumball III is terrified to learn a horrifying custom is actually a royally required ceremony. About to turn fourteen, she and her younger-by-minutes twin will be forced to endure the pain of piercing their skin countless times in the realm’s thorniest ritual. Worse still, they’ll both have to suffer the stern Thorning Master and submit to her reputed onerous tasks in order to carry out the bloody act.


Forced to be seen and not heard in the name of discipline, Eloise and her sister are united in their silent loathing of the fierce woman. But while the young royal struggles to keep her mouth shut, get over her fear of being a literal pincushion, and impress their imperious teacher, her scheming sibling plots to be the first to win the crown…


Can Eloise suppress her squeamishness and survive the cruel deed without ceding her future?


The Thorning Ceremony is a standalone prequel set three years before the first book in The Western Lands and All That Really Matters humorous fantasy series. If you like quirky characters, fascinating setups, and faint-inducing rituals, then you’ll love Andrew Einspruch’s clash of ambitions.


Buy The Thorning Ceremony to defy torture today!